#MatrixHack No. 27: Set Boundaries! Today's #MoneyHack was inspired by a recent visit to my counsellor’s couch where she skillfully identified my ability to feel empathy for others, but in some cases at the cost of compassion for myself.
I was allowing myself to be repeatedly hurt, so as not to hurt others.
Sound familiar? These are behaviours inherent in the Money Martyr.
Our resistance to establishing healthy boundaries can stem from both developed and inherited programming. Developed programming may include early breaks in the bond with the mother, being told we’re too needy, or feeling like we’re not deserving of our parent’s attention or time. It could also arise from having to take on extra care-giver responsibilities, early on in our childhood.
At first glance we may excuse our inability to set boundaries because:
We fear we’re at fault
We want to avoid conflict
We don’t want to hurt the other person
We don’t want the other person to be angry at us
At the heart of each of these excuses, is the need to be accepted. Which brings us full circle to looking for acceptance and love from our mother/father. Making sense?
Although different for each of us, financial repercussions of not setting healthy boundaries may look like:
Asking for, or accepting less, money than you deserve
Over compensating in the form of gifts or picking up the tab, repeatedly
Working “extra hard” to prove your value to others
Overdrawn bank accounts and maxed out credit card limits as a result of overspending
Using your Savings or RRSPs to start a business (one of my gems!)
You can see on the surface what may appear to be “family drama” can and will show up in our relationship with money.
So here we go…it’s time to set some healthy boundaries.
Feeling uncomfortable? Perfect! Discomfort is a sign of important work we need to walk through. Let’s do this…
Exercise: It’s Not OK
No one’s going to see this. You don’t need to defend your answers. This is all about you, your terms, and what’s not OK.
When Tessa first asked me to create a list of what wasn’t OK with me, it took me a while to wrap my head around the concept.
If you’re like me, you may be countering your list with “But it’s OK with him!” or, “He’s going to challenge me on that point. I don’t have the research to defend it”.
Tessa patiently explained the response of the other person is not the objective. The intention is to let them know what your boundaries are. If they are not willing to respect your boundaries, are they worthy of your attention?
This is the time to identify your boundaries. If not now, when? What actions or behaviours are not OK with you?
This is a good exercise to apply to all the relationships in your life. See if you can come up with 1-2 healthy boundaries for each area.
Example: It’s not OK to hold me responsible for our joint finances.
Example: It’s not OK to throw out uneaten food.
Example: It’s not OK to yell at me.
Example: It’s not OK to share my personal information with your family.
Example: It’s not OK to not contribute equally to the work load.
Team / Employees
Example: It’s not OK to not get your work done.
Example: It’s not OK to not pay on time as per our agreement.
Now, what boundaries will you set for yourself?
Example: It’s not OK to watch 3 hours of Netflix every night.
Example: It’s not OK to deprive myself of water, fresh fruits and vegetables.
Example: It’s not OK to get to bed at 1am.
Example: It’s not OK to spend more than my allotted allowance.
Next up, to communicate and respect these boundaries! Start with yourself, then share one key boundaries with a loved one, someone you trust. Get a feel for it. Listen to, and seek to understand their boundaries as well. My daughter and I had a lot of fun with this exercise. I hope you do as well.
Thank you for investing your time to read this post! :)
With sincere appreciation,
>>>This is just one of many Bonus Rounds exercises, in addition to the 18 Core exercises, you'll complete in the Money Mastery Matrix 21-Day Challenge. Transform your financial reality from the inside out. Your adventure starts Jan 7, 2019.